


Proud

by pterawaters



Category: Glee
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Episode: s05e03 The Quarterback, Escape, Fix-It, Gen, Grief/Mourning, for Kurt's character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-11
Updated: 2013-10-11
Packaged: 2017-12-29 03:04:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1000103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pterawaters/pseuds/pterawaters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Finn's death, Kurt realizes that New York has changed him, and not for the better. What would Finn think of the person Kurt has become?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Proud

**Author's Note:**

> This is a tag for Season 5, Episode 3 "The Quarterback", which I could not bring myself to watch more than one scene of. Some details may differ from canon. Also, this is [patchfire's](http://archiveofourown.org/users/patchfire/works) fault. She gave me the idea this morning.

After returning from Lima, without Finn's jacket, Kurt let the hustle and bustle of life in New York wash away the sadness that settled over him whenever he thought about his brother. There were classes to go to, songs to sing, dances to dance, plays to act. Rachel came back to herself quickly, as did Santana. It was as if none of them wanted to dwell on things, which Kurt figured was for the best.

It was only as he and Santana were sabotaging his rival's tap shoes that Kurt realized he came back from Lima _wrong_. Showing someone up in a fair diva-off was one thing, but roughing up the playing field before the game even started? That was a move Finn would have called Kurt on. Before New York, it was a move Kurt would have called Santana on.

Dropping the shoes, Kurt told Santana, "I can't do this."

"Sure you can," she said with a smirk. "It's easy. Just hand me that hammer."

Shaking his head, Kurt opened his mouth to explain. And then he realized that this plan wasn't spur-of-the-moment. Santana had suggested it -- she was always the instigator, even when she wasn't actually serious -- and Rachel had agreed. She even came up with the plan to distract the whole class while Santana and Kurt did the damage. Without Finn, Rachel was slipping backward. Kurt could see that now. She was becoming more like the selfish, ambitious child she had been before Glee club.

And they were both pulling Kurt with them.

Finn would be so disappointed. Kurt walked away.

He walked away so hard and so fast that he packed up the things he couldn't live without and left New York. As he was packing, Kurt realized that New York hadn't been the big, impossible dream he thought it would be. It had been his undoing. He left Lima, he left his brother, and he became someone he didn't recognize. He became someone who accepted a proposal from his High School boyfriend because it was easy, whereas nothing in New York was easy.

It had never occurred to Kurt before he took off Blaine's ring and left it on his nightstand, that New York, that living here with Rachel and Santana, was the problem.

What does one do when instead of making his dreams come true, he's let his dreams remake him into someone else?

This wasn't supposed to happen. Kurt was supposed to go to New York and do it his way, for himself, and not for anyone else. And Finn wasn't even around to tell Kurt that it would all be okay, that he'd find himself again.

Well, whoever Kurt Hummel was, he didn't live in New York. Kurt got on a bus headed west. He rode the bus, staring out the window and thinking about the man he thought Finn would be proud of. Kurt ignored Rachel and Santana's calls, he texted his dad to assure him that he was fine. _I just need some time. I'll be in touch._.

Kurt ignored Blaine's calls. He loved Blaine. That wasn't in question. But Kurt couldn't be with him anymore. The man who agreed to be with Blaine for the rest of their lives was New York Kurt. Maybe when Kurt figured out who he really was, he'd contact Blaine again, but for now it was too difficult to separate out his feelings about Blaine from his feelings about everything else. It all had to go.

When the bus stopped in downtown Seattle at a short bus depo overshadowed by tall buildings and an overcast sky, Kurt decided to stay. The muted colors of the city fit his mood.

The bus trip had significantly impacted Kurt's bank account, so when he looked for a place to stay, he looked for cheap accommodations, and found a hostel downtown. Some elderly Asian woman took the last taxi waiting at the bus depot, so Kurt decided to walk. It wasn't far, and he'd gotten used to walking around New York. 

Kurt shared a room with a pair of Japanese-speaking college boys and a kid named Peter who confessed to Kurt that he'd run away from home and that he was actually only 16, even though his ID said he was 18. He promised to get Kurt a job at the Starbucks around the corner if Kurt agreed not to tell anyone. 

"Why did you run away?"

"My parents are assholes," Peter said, scrubbing a hand back through his close-cropped, kinky hair. "Here is better. Isn't that why you came to Seattle from Ohio? The great gay mecca of the 21st century."

"No," Kurt said with a laugh. "I thought that was San Francisco."

Peter smirked and pulled a flannel shirt on over his t-shirt. "SF is crawling with yuppies and posers. Seattle's _real_."

The sun rose the next morning before six, highlighting the mountains to the east in a bright orange glare. Kurt stared at the mountains out the window of the fancy hotel Peter brought him to for the free continental breakfast. "Is it always this peaceful here?"

"Pretty much," Peter said with a shrug. "C'mon. It's time for my shift. I'll introduce you to my manager. She'll appreciate you coming in before eight."

"I'm still on Eastern time," Kurt said dismissively. 

The sun shone brightly all day, and Kurt sat out at the waterfront, watching the ferries and cargo ships go by (and ignoring the homeless guys gathered at one corner of the park). He felt lighter than he had in years. Kurt decided he'd made the right decision.

It didn't take much for Kurt to convince his dad to send a check for first-and-last month rent on a little studio up in Capitol Hill. This part of the city wasn't bright and shiny new, like a lot of downtown, but it was crawling with all sorts of people. Every time he left his apartment, he saw gay couples holding hands as they walked down the street. Nobody gave them a second glance. Anyone who gave Kurt more than a cursory look was usually trying to flirt with him. Kurt smiled, but he didn't let anyone get close for a long time.

He went to work and he went home and he explored the city and eventually, on the suggestion of his co-worker, Brook, Kurt went to a small play put on by a non-profit troupe. Being this close to a stage felt like coming home, and when everyone was speaking with the cast after the play, Kurt made himself go and ask the female lead about auditions.

If, in two years time, Kurt had worked his way up and gotten a speaking part in a musical that would go on to tour nationally, well, he would tell himself it was fate. When they played in Chicago, Kurt's parents came to see the performance (for the second time). The seat beside Carole was empty and Kurt finally felt proud of the man he'd become.


End file.
